What's Beneath the Surface
When We Resist What We Need or
Today, I'm going to ask you to build on the work we did yesterday and the day before.
Remember those scenes you saw and/or heard during the moment of meditation the other day?
Go back through them again and see if you can identify the feelings you were experiencing in each scene. What were you feeling at the time, and what might you have been afraid of feeling?
If self-sabotage is a form of protection, what feeling experience is it usually designed to protect you from?
And now, let's look at some of the self-defeating survival strategies that you may have created during childhood that get in your way now. I asked you about those strategies yesterday and asked what problems they were solving?
Well, today, let's look even deeper.
What feelings were they designed to get rid of or avoid?
Write all of these down and notice which ones show up the most. If you can find a better, but still-effective way to resolve them, it will be much easier to let go of the other strategies.
I have one in mind that I'll tell you about tomorrow.
An Example from My Own Story
In yesterday's post, I mentioned that one example of my own self-defeating behavior, or self-sabotage, is that I seem to be avoiding doing what I need to in order to put the book I've just written on Amazon.
It seems like a head-scratcher, right? But I knew it must be connected to fear of being seen, or visible. And I also knew that I am meant to be seen as part of my purpose in the world. So I committed to doing it, but ... am not quite doing it yet.
Well, a conversation I have been having with a friend reminded me of a couple of reasons why not wanting to be serious might be a hidden attempt to save myself from danger.
I was bullied.
And I think those experiences are connected to my own visibility fear because if I never knew when I might be bullied, trying to be invisible was my best option.
So one way to protect myself would be to hide in plain sight. And taking it a bit further, something else that could happen would be sabotaging anything that might bring me more attention.
So today's question is about what the feelings might be that I'm trying to avoid.
Well, when I think of what I felt when I saw someone who had bullied me in the past & knew I had been spotted by that person, I know I felt fear, but I probably also felt terror. And dismay. And alarm.
So remember yesterday, we were talking about finding the problem your behavior is trying to solve?
For bullying, it might be how to stay safe, and hide in plain sight, so you don't have to feel terror, alarm and dismay, or the feelings you'd have after an attack, like hurt, humiliation, shame. Rage? And that totally fits for me!
But I also am an incest and sexual assault survivor.
Which increases the desired need for protection by a gazillion. And repeated abuse by someone who lived in my home would increase the belief that hiding in plain sight was the best way to go.
So if putting a book on Amazon means putting a bullseye on my head and having to (secretly, down deep) anticipate attack, and assault, and feelings like terror & alarm & shame & humiliation, that makes it much easier to understand why I haven't done it yet. Or why, when I did publish a book on Amazon 3 years ago, I did it using a pen name.
Does any of this resonate with you?
Though my heart goes out to you if you were abused or bullied, what I'm really asking is if, as you were reading my story, it brought to mind your own.
And I'm wondering if it prompted examples from your own life that illustrates this idea of doing something that, on the surface, doesn't make sense, but if you look beneath the surface at what problem it was trying to solve, and what painful feelings it was designed to avoid, actually makes perfect sense.
If so, stay with me because tomorrow, we talk solutions. :)
Love to you!